Worst day of my life (one of the many)

I wrote this in a text document when I didn't have access to the internet yesterday:


Today like other days, is the worst day of my life. I taste the consequence of my sins. I would have thought that the days I committ my sins and offences would be the worst. But no, those are the days I quickly repent and becuase of the frequency of
my offenses, I feel very little and even sometimes no guilt. Until today.
Punishment from man is not what I fear-No, I do not believe it is punishment I fear at all. I feel like the worst, most insensitive person alive. What I fear: is never changing, to always be sinful, that is my fear.

Will I never learn? I cannot trust myself for a second! Never alone can I be trusted. How does the good conscience in me not overcome all my sinful desires? Am I more bad than good? I seek the Lord's help but only find it through accountability-Which does not solve me being evil! I am my own stumbling block and the source of the majority of all my problems. I cannot blame anyone but myself for who have I to blame? The devil? He is evil but I am not good. He is hate but I do not love. This Satan... He works against me yes. But I do not work against him so who is at fault? Me! I blame satan yes but first I blame myself so I may overcome myself first, before I try to overcome the devil.

How am I to conquer my own self? My body, my mind, my heart. I thought I gave them to the Lord but today I realize I have not done so completely. How am I both clever enough and foolish enough to fool myself! This is absurd. Why Lord have I been so foolish to think I could fool both you, the sovereign God over all the universe, and myself? I thank you that I cannot fool you. Even though I try, you love me and accept me. I would not accept me. If people around me knew my faults would they? I would not. I could not. Even as I write this very text document I am filled with wretched, prideful thoughts. I say leave me thoughts! But they return with persistency. Sin (the noun and the verb and the adjective) is persistent in me.
What does Satan want with me? I am told he wants to turn me away from or against my father. But if I sin am I not already turning away from my father? What more can anyone want with me? The Lord seeks to save me, to hold me as His own.
But I turn away from the Lord. The devil seeks to destroy me completely so I may suffer the same fate as he. I turn away also from the devil. I do not embrace sin or the Lord for long. The battle rages inside me as if I were insane. Sometimes I feel
as if I am. I am like two persons in one. One loves the Lord with all his heart. The other spits upon the face of God. With his seperate heart he seeks to satisfy every desire of his own heart and wretched-also seperate-mind.

Both are never present in me at the same time. They take turns being me. The one now in me, while I write, is the one I know to be good. The one who loves the Lord even more than himself. I cannot express enough the love I have for my Lord. I have also love for people too. For they are one of the Lord's gifts to me. Even the good person while in me struggles though with loving others. But who does not struggle? I have thought to myself "How is the one in me good?" I know now that it is becuase it is not he who is good, nor me, but the Holy Spirit and council to me overflows goodness in me. But only if I embrace and listen to the Holy Spirit.


Lord... Help me to be just one man. Yours.


Written March 10th, 2009.