I'm applying to a college in New Zealand this week. I'll be there for ten months, then if I decide to do year number two, I'll be home for two months, then gone for another ten. I have a wonderful girlfriend, an amazing family and a great church family. I'm going to miss a lot of people if I get in. But ten months (possibly 20) away from your girlfriend will be especially crappy. I would be a fool to ignore God's calling for anyone, I know this. Still it does not ease pain to say that does it? I am astounded by how complex our capacity as humans for multiple emotions simultaneously is. And yet we still have the ability to hide them all. There is one I have inside me that I truthfully don't have much experience in showing; excitement. I'm sure when I was little I got excited about Christmas presents and such, but for awhile there was nothing in my life (naive thinking) to be excited about. I got out of touch with the emotion. Until now. I am very excited about God's presence in my life and His plan for it. But since I lost connection with excitement I can't communicate it properly with people. It's really hard to show it, no matter how overwhelming the urge!


How does one act when on-fire for God? They evangelise, they preach, they sing praise to Him! I mini-preach. I sing all the praise I can to The LORD. But evangelise... Not good at that. BUT THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Know this: it is only a realization. I am not good at anything of value by myself. Hah. There's the key. By myself. NO! Jesus with me. God through me. God. Anyway, they do all this and more but those are just things. Would not the very expression on their faces and tone of their voices change also? Mine have not. And I am trying, but not forcing. There's nothing worse than a fake Christian.

Emotions and Drivers of

NOTE: In this post, when I say the word love, I mean the true decision to love and let yourself be loved. NOT the emotion, which either follows the decision to love, or is just an empty emotion you feel because you are needy.

I am a teenager, in being so, I am often overwhelmed with emotions, often many similtaneously. Some emotions cause frustration. Others peace or excitement, both are extremely dangerous. With frustration, it is so very easy to become short-tempered with people. This is the opposite of love, our goal. Remember? Love is patient, love is kind. Slow to anger... Ah... Slow to anger. A short-temper is then, in direct opposition to what love is, therefore is NOT love. There's nothing wrong with anger on it's own, but let me tell you-it is a state you enter in, without a decision and is incredibly harder to resist sin, or even see it coming.

Peace and excitement is a little easier to talk about. It's good right? Yeah, it's great. But have you thought about where your peace and excitement come from? Peace and excitement (or any emotion) apart from God is empty (by apart from God, I don't mean this just for people that aren't saved, I mean that if you acquired this emotion without God). Emptiness needs to be filled, and unless you make the DECISION to fill it with Christ, the world will throw at you so many things to fill it up. Even if you don't make a decision, consequences will come, choosing not to choose is a choice. Jesus will not force himself into your heart, even if you have already accepted Him. Think about this also... When you are happy and content, what inspiration do you have to reach out to others? You're taken care of. *sigh*

So where do emotions come from? Everything. The right kind come from people who care about you, and Jesus Christ. By right kind I don't mean anger is bad and excitement is good. I mean that there is a right way to experience both. Being angry in love is better than being excited in selfishness. Think about emotions like cars; Cars themselves are not dangerous, but who drives them, and how they drive is what causes danger or safety. Please, please, please let Jesus be the driver. Because guess what? He wants to drive.

You O man, got nothin' on Jesus

Honestly, what CAN man do to me? You O man, have NO comparison to my father who rules over the universe. You are under His rule, the same as me, and all creation. Being under my fathers judgement, I'm free of yours. Was not your father the one to punish you in times of disobedience, and not your brother? I am brother to all men of God. So when you men try to put me under your judgement I will lift my eyes up to the heavens, and know God will help me search myself to clear my own conscience. For yours, I am not responsible.

I struggle deeply, with fearing mens thoughts. God is my final authority, I only seek the counsel of other men of God to help, not to rule. So why do I fear their opinion my than that of The LORD's? Makes not sense to me.

God's Purpose and Obedience

God's purpose is the process, the process is constant obedience. There is no obedience without listening. I cannot hear what I am unaware of. I must be aware of God's presence in my life so that I may listen to His voice and commands, then proceed to obey Him. Obedience is not always from the moment of hearing only. Has not God given us the 10 commandments? Are we not to obey them? They were written thousands of years ago, but still ring with the powerful voice of God. Is He continually saying them over and over? Or are we to pick up the bible and read them? What I am saying is, I don't think we have to keep begging God for new commands when we've got them. It's right in front of you, in the Word of God. Like I said, Constant obedience.

Also, like asking your parents for something. Then they say yeah sure, you can have it, as soon as you get enough to pay for half. We pout and lose interest. Let it not be so with The LORD. Ask and you shall receive. But you must also pursue what you ask for. If you ask God for wisdom, will you just be all-knowing? Or are you expected to study the Word of God in faithful prayer?

God is faithful with us, so let us be faithful to The LORD. I believe with all my heart when God says He will never abandon us. So let's stop asking Him for bikes and toys and get into what we should be asking for. If you aren't sure, ask God.

I need to ask The LORD for patience, understanding and wisdom. Patience is a huge one. I usually make the mistake of asking then forgetting to try, or trying without asking. Both fail epicly. Gotta combine them both. Also, recently I have become more angry, quicker than usual. When I pray, sometimes I ask for myself first, I need to remember others in my prayers before myself. Which is hard, becuase I have MY feelings in myself, not anyone elses. 'Tis a great battle I am fighting.

I need to pray a lot more for others, especially the salvation of those who don't know Him. Does it not break your heart that some of those closest to you, on the path they are on, will not rejoice when they see Jesus? Even the people I have never met cry out and I hear it. I hear agony-filled voices wanting to take it all back. On judgement day all will believe, I pray that they will believe long before that.

LORD, don't harden their hearts. I cannot understand anything. I can only obey. It's so hard for me to understand why we can't all be set free. I will trust you, and deny myself the burden of doubt.

HCIBLH?

I often ask myself, "How do I know what is right?" I have even asked God. I have been wrongly thinking that He has left me without an answer. No, it was not that He left me without an answer. It was that I wanted a list. I wanted God to give to me a list of everything I should do, and then another, telling me what I should not do.

God has not called us to do everything right. But to love. What is that saying? WWJD? What Would Jesus Do. I believe that we should instead ask: HCIBLH? It is not as catchy I admit but How Can I Be Like Him? God says in every way! What aspect of God's nature can we not mimic and become? We are called to be Christ-like. To practice His love, His compassion, His humility. Does God know what is right and what is wrong? Of course! So why would I sin and ask, what is right? Instead we need to seek God's Nature. God has shown us His Nature! If we truly knew Jesus we would not have to ask, "What is right?"

(WWJD, and HCIBLH are the same basicly, you might argue. But WWJD implies that there has to be a situation to show characteristics of God. HCIBLH is a preperation for any situations that might happen. Being like Christ is supposed to be on-going and improving. Whereas WWJD, is something you have to remember to ask yourself every time something comes up. Which is hard because you don't always know when something will happen.)

What is the greatest commandment? Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. And the second: Love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus describes these as almost a summarization of all the other commands. Wow? Not if you think about it. You cannot break the others without breaking these. Paul in his letter to the Romans says "Love is the fulfillment of the law." I believe he understood why God has not given us a big long list of do's and don't's. Not since Jesus. It is because if he had, we would just go through the motions. Love is important because it is INVOLVED! Is not God involved with you and I? When we cry out does he not hear us? If so, and what I said earlier about being Christ-like is true... Then should we not be involved also? God is love. And love is involvement. You cannot be uninvolved with that which you love.

God lives in heaven. That isn't even humanly possible to get to from our universe. But God has managed, even when we separated ourselves from Him with sin, to be close, and involved in our lives, around our lives EVERYWHERE and ALWAYS. We are not God, so we cannot be there everywhere and always. But are we not to still be ALWAYS looking EVERYWHERE we go for chances to love and take-on parts of God's nature? I know we are. I believe it with all I am. Truth is, every second of every day we should be displaying God's Nature.

You might say, "Well, that isn't possible." You just told me why it isn't. If you confess with your tongue and believe in your heart, Jesus is Lord, you will be saved. I want to add to that: If you confess with your mouth and believe with your heart-Jesus is Lord- You will LIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT. Look...

There is a God ruling over you. So great and powerful that he has the power to create and destroy anything and everything. In fact, he created us. You and me. He has been kind enough to allow you free-will. The ability to choose to live or die basicly. Following Him leads to life and is life. Turning away is death. Oh by the way, each of these are ETERNAL. That means FOREVER! He is also merciful, He forgives those who repent. He has the largest heart for the needy we could ever imagine. Does that not amaze you? Our God has the power to do ANYTHING. But He is worried about you. Does this not affect the way you will live? Will you not turn to Him in thanksgiving and praise and live a life full of honor and love towards God and everything He has made? We are fools! We are fools! We are such fools. And deserve damnation. Over and over again for eternity. But God wrestles with our sinful hearts and shows no tire. It is up to us to accept His love. What I don't understand is why it is hard for some to accept God's love. Who does not want to be loved? I do. And I am thankful that I am.

Praise The LORD, to whom we eternally owe what we cannot pay. Praise Jesus who has taken our debt and wiped us clean before the LORD.

Soli Deo Gloria

Selfish? You betcha.

Before today I didn't really think of myself as selfish. I mean I opened doors for people, I say thank you, I'm doing good, right? Not so. When I thought of selfish it was... If you are a jerk, you are selfish. Which may be true, but I have found that selfishness goes beyond how you treat other people. I screwed up today. Not in a huge way, but I still felt that sense of failure at the thing I love to do most. And I beat myself up over it.

I had to say something very simple (a bible verse) at church in front of a bunch of people. Definitely my kind of thing. I was honored to be asked to do this. Sadly, this is where the selfishness comes in: I took it as a moment for me to look good. And when I messed up, I got angry with myself. It wasn't serious anger but it was enough. I cannot believe I didn't see this at first; it wasn't about me! How dare I make my tiny role as important as that? I messed up the bible verse. So? It was still praise to God. And THAT should have been my goal from the start.

Things That Cause Headaches

Headaches run very deep in my family, therefore, I decided to compile a list of things that cause headaches/migraines.

1. Lack of caffeine/too much caffeine (for those caffeine addicts)
2. Not enough sleep (also causes sleepiness)
3. Too much sleep
4. Too much food
5. Not enough food
6. Noise
7. No noise (silence)
8. Light
9. Smoking
10. Alcohol
11. Tension in the neck/anywhere really..
12. Exercise!
13. No exercise!
14. 6 kids
15. 1 kid
16. Your significant other
17. Oregonian drivers
18. Drivers from any state
19. DMV
20. Your parents
21. Any relative
22. Any human being really
23. An extreme temperature in your mouth
24. Too much time spent looking at a computer screen
25....

Let's face it; you cannot escape headaches.

Worst day of my life (one of the many)

I wrote this in a text document when I didn't have access to the internet yesterday:


Today like other days, is the worst day of my life. I taste the consequence of my sins. I would have thought that the days I committ my sins and offences would be the worst. But no, those are the days I quickly repent and becuase of the frequency of
my offenses, I feel very little and even sometimes no guilt. Until today.
Punishment from man is not what I fear-No, I do not believe it is punishment I fear at all. I feel like the worst, most insensitive person alive. What I fear: is never changing, to always be sinful, that is my fear.

Will I never learn? I cannot trust myself for a second! Never alone can I be trusted. How does the good conscience in me not overcome all my sinful desires? Am I more bad than good? I seek the Lord's help but only find it through accountability-Which does not solve me being evil! I am my own stumbling block and the source of the majority of all my problems. I cannot blame anyone but myself for who have I to blame? The devil? He is evil but I am not good. He is hate but I do not love. This Satan... He works against me yes. But I do not work against him so who is at fault? Me! I blame satan yes but first I blame myself so I may overcome myself first, before I try to overcome the devil.

How am I to conquer my own self? My body, my mind, my heart. I thought I gave them to the Lord but today I realize I have not done so completely. How am I both clever enough and foolish enough to fool myself! This is absurd. Why Lord have I been so foolish to think I could fool both you, the sovereign God over all the universe, and myself? I thank you that I cannot fool you. Even though I try, you love me and accept me. I would not accept me. If people around me knew my faults would they? I would not. I could not. Even as I write this very text document I am filled with wretched, prideful thoughts. I say leave me thoughts! But they return with persistency. Sin (the noun and the verb and the adjective) is persistent in me.
What does Satan want with me? I am told he wants to turn me away from or against my father. But if I sin am I not already turning away from my father? What more can anyone want with me? The Lord seeks to save me, to hold me as His own.
But I turn away from the Lord. The devil seeks to destroy me completely so I may suffer the same fate as he. I turn away also from the devil. I do not embrace sin or the Lord for long. The battle rages inside me as if I were insane. Sometimes I feel
as if I am. I am like two persons in one. One loves the Lord with all his heart. The other spits upon the face of God. With his seperate heart he seeks to satisfy every desire of his own heart and wretched-also seperate-mind.

Both are never present in me at the same time. They take turns being me. The one now in me, while I write, is the one I know to be good. The one who loves the Lord even more than himself. I cannot express enough the love I have for my Lord. I have also love for people too. For they are one of the Lord's gifts to me. Even the good person while in me struggles though with loving others. But who does not struggle? I have thought to myself "How is the one in me good?" I know now that it is becuase it is not he who is good, nor me, but the Holy Spirit and council to me overflows goodness in me. But only if I embrace and listen to the Holy Spirit.


Lord... Help me to be just one man. Yours.


Written March 10th, 2009.

Strength for the Bay '09 trip please

The Bay '09 trip is coming up fast. I am both excited and nervous. Excited to do the Lord's work. Nervous because I have become so relaxed over the past year or so. I pray for the strength to do what is needed and I pray also, for a change. A change that I believe is already working in me. I pray that it will not stop.

This trip is somewhere in God's will for me. Will I take all my struggles during the mission and complain about them? No. I must take them as they are intended: as faith-testing heart-strengthening character-building tests. The wonderful thing about such tests is I don't have to (nor can I) do it alone. I have someone who I can go to... And even when I do not go to Him; he will be there. His name is Jesus, and I love Him.